I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, which is to say that I haven't been all that busy and so have been left alone with my thoughts for probably a lot longer than is strictly healthy. In any case, I've been doing some thinking and I have come to a few realizations.
The first, and arguably the most important, is that I have had a much easier time of it than most other folks. And for this, I am extremely grateful. I'm grateful that I have supportive and mildly feminist parents - though 1/2 of them would not choose to identify as such - who have allowed me to pursue whatever dreams that have come to me. I am so lucky to have them. I know that not every person is so lucky, and in an attempt to repay what grace has been given to me, I volunteer with an after-school group for teenaged girls. If they only have two hours a week where they feel totally supported, I am so thankful that I am able to help them get there.
Secondly, I am very thankful that my parents were able to teach me the value of hard work without giving me an expectation of rewards. I know that my hard work will pay off eventually; or, if it doesn't, I'm barking up the wrong tree. Honestly, I can't stand the entitled attitude of many of my classmates and even of some of my ex-boyfriends. The people who I disliked in school were the ones who took for granted that they could indulge their whims because their needs were already paid for. I have never had an easy time of asking for things, and even less so for asking for my parents to pay for my recreation. I'm sure they would, but I just can't wrap my head around that sense of entitlement. We never had a whole lot of money growing up, nor do we now. We're certainly comfortable and I have never wanted for anything, but I also never took for granted that I could go backpacking around the world for six months after shelling out a hundred grand in tuition. I wonder if these types will ever truly understand what it's like to struggle for what you need or if I'm the one being pretentious.
My third realization is that whatever path I'm on must turn into the right one. Eventually. Things are going to have to work themselves out eventually. I'm not going to be an underemployed chemical engineering graduate forever. I don't have these dreams for nothing. There has to be an end goal somewhere, where I'll be able to reconcile what I've wanted to do with what I've actually accomplished. And maybe the end goal isn't to achieve something great, but just to be at peace with myself and making a small difference somewhere. Even if it's just with the kids that I tutor or the girls that I'm mentoring. That means something. If not to them, definitely to me. My actions matter, in a small way.
This is my life, and I will make it count. One way or another.
